DOORBELL RINGS
What are you wearing that for?
Tha said tha wouldn't have me gift-wrapped. I'm just checking.
DOORBELL RINGS
It's amazing what tha finds at the end of a brush. Stop messing about.
Stop? We've never started.
Let's face it, this could be tha last chance. Let's face it...good.
Well, maybe not tha LAST chance.
Play tha cards right, tha could get another. I've got a special offer this week.
I come complete with a personalised,
genuine set of hand-reared ferrets.
Oh, come on, love. Surely I must stir tha heart a little.
Give me a sign.
Give me a sign!
All right, lass.
I'll accept that for the time being.
LAUGHTER
Laughing?
LAUGHTER
Honestly, you're as good as a tonic.
Excuse me while I clear some interference off the line.
What do YOU want? You were laughing.
So? Why are you eavesdropping on other people's conversations? I don't listen to yours.
Yes, you do. Then you know how irritating it is.
I'm sorry we were interrupted.
Oh, no. Nobody important.
I'll have to go. He's watching.
It's been lovely hearing from you, too.
Yes, phone me any time.
Bye.
Who was that?
Oh, just a friend. It sounded like a CLOSE friend.
Quite close.
I need to speak to you, Cleggy.
If it's conversation you're after, I do weather, state of the economy or international situations,
but no personal subjects.
I become very uncomfy with details of romantic entanglements or surgical operations,
which always sound similar to me.
I'm worried about Pearl. Yes, well, that sounds reasonable to me.
If I were you, I'd be worried about Pearl. Even though I'm NOT you, I'm often worried about Pearl.
She's acting strangely. She's female. That's what they do.
I mean, REALLY strangely. I caught her laughing on the telephone.
Laughing? On the phone.
That's reckless. I suppose you were hoping it was only a local call. I'm hoping it's nothing serious.
You know how I've always been devoted to that woman.
What a lovely day for Howard to be worried about Pearl.
Is he?
He looks quite white. Howard's always worried about Pearl.
Goes with his lifestyle. But this is different. This is genuine panic.
She's started behaving strangely.
Behaving strangely? How those words remind me of the former Mrs Truelove.
In what way, behaving strangely?
She was laughing on the phone. Tell him not to worry.
She was probably choking on something. Is this the same person? I've never heard Pearl laugh.
I don't think Howard has, either. She must have laughed on their wedding night.
I could have used a laugh on mine.
I missed mine. How could you miss your own wedding night? We had to carry this drunk home.
Who was it? Me.
Who was on the other end of Pearl's phone? She wouldn't say. A mystery.
It sounds like a case for Truly of the Yard.
How far are you planning to run, Barry? Only a few miles.
That's too many. One day, we might want to have children.
I'll be back before then. Why must you test yourself to the limits?
You drive yourself through the pain barrier. That's where true wisdom is. True wisdom? You've got a diploma.
There's no gain without pain. If you're an executive, you can delegate the pain.
I'm doing this for us. Can't you stop just short of the pain barrier, and then come home?
You have to burn off the fat, get rid of the executive stress. I'd like to go where no man has gone.
You're so brave. I'll be off, then.
I daren't look!
DOG YAPS
We'll take the clever approach.
We'll ask her what look like harmless questions until she slips up and gives something away.
You can't just walk up to the woman and ask questions. Of course not.
You have to have an excuse. I'm not speaking. She'll know if I'm lying.
No, that's Howard. She knows when I'm lying too. She won't know when I'm lying. I'm a trained policeman.
She'll know.
Oh, am I glad to see you, Howard!
That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me.
Oh... Get him off!
Get him off! Howard, Howard...
Where's Pearl? She's out.
I told you, she's behaving strangely.
Give over! She often goes out. Without her shopping bag?
That's it, then. You're in trouble.
There are two kinds of women. The fast kind, and them what carry shopping bags.
It's the first step when they leave their shopping bag. I knew it.
Where does a decent woman go without her shopping bag? Stop tormenting him. It could be quite innocent.
She never thinks so when it's me.
Well, no. Not with thee.
She's gone for a walk. Where's the harm in going for a walk? She's up to something.
No, that's YOU.
It's normally me, but this time it's her.
You've no evidence to support this. Let's not go overboard yet.
Here she comes now. We can ask her. No, don't ask her. I don't want her to know I'm suspicious.
I don't want her to think I care.
She smiled. I told you.
She's behaving strangely. Ask her where she's been.
Where have you been, love?
Hairdresser's.
Hairdresser!
Oh, heck! It's worse than I thought.
Here, get this down you.
What day is it? It's Wednesday.
Why would she have her hair done on a Wednesday? I expect there's a simple explanation.
Such as what? Another man.
That's cheering him up(!)
Could be right. I bet it's another bloke.
Probably won't last. You could have her back in 15 years.
But why would she want another man? Well, tha's got another woman.
No, I haven't! What about Marina?
I hardly know the lady.
We just have a shared interest in green issues.
Have you told Pearl you're only saving the environment? We'll wait until we've saved it, then tell her.
He's tricky, this one.
I'm supposed to be meeting Marina.
We were going to count butterflies,
scientifically.
Well, Howard, give our love to Marina.
Not mine. I'm allergic to butterflies.
Off you go, then, lad. It'll take your mind off Pearl.
I daren't go. I daren't leave Pearl. I don't trust her. You cheeky chuff!
A bloke bumps into a lady a few times, and his wife thinks she's entitled to turn to another man.
Look at thee! Tha's having a turn.
Don't worry. Pearl's not the type for a casual affair. She's probably going for good.
Think, Howard. All that freedom.
I don't want all that freedom. I was doing nicely on two afternoons a week.
Could one of you lot go and meet Marina,
and explain that I can't get away, that I'm tied up? Well, I can't go.
I've got this banana that's going black.
I oughtn't to leave it for too long.
I can't. I've got to follow Pearl.
Where have you got to follow Pearl?
You want to know where she's going, and if she has another man.
You need the services of a trained policeman. Wow!
Which is more dangerous - going with Marina or following Pearl?
Well...
it looks like I'm the one that will have to go and meet Marina.
Somebody's got to make the effort.
You will treat her with every courtesy?
Howard, tha's not the only one interested in wildlife.
NONCHALANT WHISTLING
Oh! A lad in search of exercise. Just what we need.
Give him a hand with some furniture. He's not very good on the hills.
The way she loads it up, I'm not much good on the flat.
That's true. I can scarcely get him out of first gear. Very kind of you to volunteer.
I was hoping to reach the pain barrier. Stick with me. You'll get there.
I said I wouldn't be long. You won't be long, lad. I've got to open the shop.
What kind of furniture is it? Oh, just a few bits and pieces.
You'll get the hang of it. It's like being a galley slave.
You'd be bored if you weren't doing something.
I sometimes dream about being bored. Whole days with nothing to do but be bored.
DOORBELL RINGS
Is it somebody's birthday?
Say the word, it could be yours.
What do you want? It's crunch time.
Either tha grabs me now, or I'm going out with this other woman.
Is that a yes or a no?
This one's a bit of a terror, so I might be back late. Would tha feed my ferrets?
No, I won't feed your ferrets. I'm far too busy.
Well, give a rap on the wall now and then to let them know somebody cares.
Who's this other woman?
Don't worry, lass. I'm just looking after her for a friend.
She's in for a treat, then(!)
Aye, and next time it could be thee.
Now, the art of surveillance is change your appearance.
You'll begin wearing the articles that you're wearing now. I ought to do some ironing.
Then you'll change your appearance by swapping caps and coats.
You should remain undetected. Sounds too complicated for me.
I'll be across the street. Just watch my signals. Signals as well?!
A fool could do it. A fool WILL be doing it.
I've got to know where she's going.
Let's practise our first change. Let's see how quickly we can alter your appearance.
Jump to it!
DOOR OPENS Listen! I heard the door.
She's going out!
It's Pearl.
She looks...
attractive.
Sorry about that, old chap.
All you can hope is that it soon blows over and she gets back to miserable.
BICYCLE SQUEAKS
Is there a young lady on the premises?
An attractive young lady.
Is there an attractive young lady on the premises?
How did you know?
Just a wild guess. You must be psychic.
Me mam used to read tea-leaves. We couldn't afford a paper.
I believe you are slightly wicked.
Aye, it's as much as I can manage these days.
We all have to make do.
Howard sent me.
I hope there's no problem. Oh, no.
He just wanted me to see thee home safely. How safely?
Well, there's always a bit of a risk.
A girl can't argue with that.
I don't think I've ever been down here before.
Have you brought many young ladies down here? Only fit ones.
It'll get a bit rougher further on.
Mother did warn me it would happen one day.
She's going to Edie's. She's only going for a coffee.
She's never got dressed up before
to go to Edie's. I could have stayed at home with that sick banana.
She could slip out again. We better keep observation on the house.
They're tricky. Who else would have invented false eyelashes?
I don't think we'll be able to ride through that. Don't say we're marooned here together, alone,
for hours. I'll think of summat.
Mother warned me about that, too.
It's working, then?
It must be. They followed me all the way.
We told you. They never notice you until they think you're up to something.
You know why they think you're up to something? Because they know all the signs.
And they know all the signs because they're always up to something.
It does them good to shake them up a bit. It's like spring-cleaning.
They want bottoming at least once a year. More than that.
DOOR OPENS
He's gone!
My Barry's gone!
Another one up to something.
What do you mean, he's gone? He went jogging. I've never seen him since.
He should have been back hours ago.
It's not like your Barry. I know.
He may be lying injured somewhere.
Don't go to pieces, girl. He might just have broken a leg.
Don't go on so. We'll get the car out,
and we'll go and find him.
Look at her!
There she goes, in broad daylight.
Going off somewhere, without shame.
She's got four chaperones. You see what I'm up against?
They're all in this together. I blame the Spice Girls.
Don't go to pieces, man.
REVVING FURIOUSLY
Wesley, follow that car!
That's our lass's car. Don't let them see you. Can we have some elementary sneaking?
Hurry up! It's Pearl in that vehicle.
Howard's worried about losing Pearl? Has he been drinking? Get in the cab! Go on!
It's not natural. Don't look at me. I'm just a passing raincoat.
Hey! You'll be happier in the back, Howard. A man needs to be alone at a time like this.
But it's draughty in the back.
A man needs to be alone and draughty at a time like this.
You're very resourceful in a crisis.
Tha'll think so in a minute when I carry thee across.
It's just one thing after another.
And there are people who think cycling is boring. Here we go, then.
Geronimo!
Does tha come here often?
I hope I haven't crushed anything essential. I know what they mean
when they say it's warm in the Bahamas.
Are you sure you can manage? As soon as I find tha centre of gravity.
If I can be of any help... It's all so new to me.
I mean, tha's heavier than my ferrets and lighter than Nora Batty.
Mother, will you keep off the grass?
It's not me. It's your father. He's been playing with the steering again.
We could ask at the pub if anyone's seen a jogger.
That's a good idea. Maybe he limped in, exhausted, for a drink.
Sounds good to me.
GEARS CRUNCH
Oh, leave it where it is, Mother.
They've gone in the pub.
Pearl!
It's our Shirley's husband. Haven't seen him for years.
Hello, love. How are you?
Ee, it's good to see you.
Hold on tight!
Hold on tight! Tighter!
Hold on! You're slipping, you're slipping!
What's she doing in a pub? It's not right - a respectable woman.
She should be at home, wondering what I'm doing.
You're all right. Women of our generation don't go astray, they just redecorate.
Or even worse, they make US redecorate.
See, Howard? You ought to be glad she's going astray.
Did they teach you tact in the police force? Just picked it up naturally.
If you're worried, nip inside and see what she's doing.
It'll give the game away. He's got to appear not to be interested.
Clegg will go in, in disguise.
Why me?
She knows me. I live next door.
Why don't YOU go in, in disguise?
Oh, very well. Lend me your raincoat.
Oh, here we go again.
MUFFLED CHATTER
It's lovely to see you.
What's she doing? What was she doing?
To an inexperienced observer, it looked like she was kissing this fellow.
I knew it! I'm going to have to challenge him to a duel.
Or a quiz, or something. Forget the quiz, Howard. He's bound to be brighter than you.
Life's so unfair.
Bear up, Howard. You've got to pretend you don't care.
There, now.
Oi!
Pretend it's just coincidence. We just happened to pull up here.
What are you lot doing here? It's a coincidence. We just happened to pull up here.
Barry!
They've found my Barry!
Oh, Barry!
Oh, Barry, you're back!
Barry!
It looks like somebody else has been up to something, as well. It never rains but it pours.
Who were you kissing?
Our Shirley's husband.
Does your Shirley know that you're carrying on with her husband?
How did you get her in that condition? Oh, it were easy, once I found her centre of gravity.
I thought your heart belonged to Nora Batty.
So it does, Howard. But this bicycle goes where it likes.